What is there to see?

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So, I know this about myself – I know that I get crushes really easily and tend to move on just as easily.  But there is a definite correlation between the length of the crush and the depth of the crush.  The longer I crush, the worse it gets.

My new crush and newly ended (?…) crush, Pacho.  Thursday was a big crush day.  One ending (?…) and a new one beginning.  I find out that my crush of two+ weeks has a girlfriend.  I’m bummed.  I’m actually surprised by my the degree of my bummage.  But for some reason I can’t let it go….I had a few meetings with him post “girlfriend news” and I find myself still drawn to him.  Actually, yesterday at the end of the day I went over to his cubicle just to see him, and this time I had no official work business to discuss which is a first.  Every other visit to his end of the office has actually had a reason, if it the REAL reason was just to see and interact with him.  This is notable because i DO NOT do things like this.  I went over there with this line in my head, “I was hoping I wouldn’t find you here.  Please tell me you won’t be here too late” ….and I found him printing tickets to Sex and The City…yes, DEFINITELY there’s a girlfriend in the picture.  Yesterday when was I was thinking about him when I should have been paying attention in the meeting, it occured to me that he was probably one of those guys that doesn’t really have any game and frankly, doesn’t think he can get the girl.  How wrong he is, at least in my eyes.

Then there’s the new crush.  This same night that I received the news of Pacho’s girlfriend, I spent a couple hours hanging out and talking to this new crush. Maybe it was the low lighting, maybe it was the alcohol, but all of the sudden I started looking at this guy in a different way.  This isn’t a solidified crush like Pacho is….was (?…) it’s in the deciding phase. 

Yesterday when I found myself flirting with him, it got me thinking about what it is other people see in me.  I’m friendly, nice, smiley – these things are immediately noticeable.  But I dont know if they think I’m interesting or intelligent.  For a smart girl I do some stupid things sometimes.  And I’ve found (unfortunately) that guys really don’t want to hear that I’ve been backpacking too, or I’ve done this or that.  They like to talk about how THEY’VE done those things, but when I counteract, it’s like, oh, right, okay – they become disinterested.  I don’t get it.  And I’ve also noticed that at times I’m going about my business, let’s say in the grocery store and someone is standing in the middle of the aisle, and I’ll wait for a second to notice that I’m trying to get by.  When they don’t immediately move I say, “excuse me”, they look at me, and move. 

Here’s what I’m starting to wonder.  I’m wondering if I have no ‘presence’ – am I just not noticeable??  There are those women who walk into a room and everyone is aware of their addition — I’m beginning to think that I’m not one of those girls.  Not that I couldn’t potentially be one of those girls, but that for the longest time I’ve hidden myself and just not embraced my “noticeable-ness”.  I have to tell you though, I have this strange confidence dicotomy.  As I continue to lose weight, I feel more confident about myself, but I also see and feel myself shrinking back – and I don’t know why.  But then again, the ‘old’ me would certainly not have gone to visit Pacho’s office area at 6:30 on a Friday night apropo of nothing.

I’ve been rambling, which happens quite often.  I don’t even remember what this post was originally going to be about, but I know it wasn’t about this.  So pardon my brain vomit.

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Patiently (?) waiting

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There are times that I truly feel that I might be single for the entirety of this life on earth.  Then, there are other moments where I feel like I’m on the cusp of change.  That’s how I feel right now.  I went shopping this past weekend to get some summer clothes since I literally owned nothing that fit from last year’s season.  I bought a pair of shorts (which, incidentally I haven’t purchased in years) in a size smaller than I’ve been wearing recently.  Another size?! Couple it be possible/plausible/true?  That means I’m the same size that I was when I was 16 or 17 years old. 

Here’s the rub: I don’t really feel any smaller.  I know that I must be, I KNOW it.  I look at clothes in the size I was before all this started and couldn’t help but think, whoa, there’s some mighty big pants.  I wonder if I’ll always feel this way.  I wonder if I’ll always feel like ‘the fat girl’ inside.  There is definitely a voice inside that keeps saying that once I hit my goal weight that it will all come together….but I’m not sure it will.

I used to think that I didn’t get asked out on dates because of my size. Now I realize that it’s true what they’ve been saying all along; that it doesn’t matter what your size is, it’s all about who you are inside. And it’s not that I’m uninteresting on the inside or ‘undatable’, but I’m finding that it’s most likely what I’ve suspected all along…that I might be unapproachable or give off a vibe that says “don’t come near me”. 

I started going to the gym last week and I have to say, I actually felt good going.  I hadn’t dragged my butt to the gym because I said that I hated to sweat and made the excuse that it was so much more uncomfortable for a ‘fat person’ to work out than a ‘regular person’.  Turns out, I’m full of bullshit. It was fine; enjoyable actually.

I used to have a certain size in my head, and this number was my ‘goal’ number.  Since buying those shorts on Saturday, I’m only one size away from that goal.  I used to think that this number was all I could aspire to; now I realize that the actual frame of my body is smaller than that.  Quite possibly, three sizes smaller than that.  A single digit number was never something I even considered aspiring to.  Now?  My world is full of possiblities. 

I don’t know how to open myself up so that I become approachable or the type of girl guys feel comfortable approaching and asking out.  Maybe it’s a mantra, or maybe as I let go of  the old ‘fat’ me, the layers will peel away and reveal my true self: whomever she may be….because at this point I’m not sure who that is or who she is going to be. 

All I know is that my life continues to change, my body, my outlook, my mind; and I like it.  I’m embracing these changes and I don’t fear what challenges may arise from it.  Somewhere, sometime I’ll meet someone who will shift my life and my way of thinking again — and until then I hope to be happy within myself.