It’s really strange for me to think of how far I’ve come. It was six weeks ago that I told my roommate I wanted her to move out. I can’t believe six weeks have gone by so fast. The other strange thing is that I don’t miss her. At all. I had some sadness at the beginning; I was mourning the loss of a friendship that never really existed. She was mean to me. She threw adult tantrums and swore at me until I backed down. Having someone to do laundry with does not make a friendship.
This whole experience has really showed me how important it is to rely upon one’s gut. Back in the winter I knew I didn’t want to sign another lease with her, but she assured me things would be different, she assured me things would change. Change, they did not.
It was such a huge step for me to even ask her to leave. I know it’s cliche, but I finally stood up for myself. It wasn’t okay for someone to treat me the way I was being treated, and it was sticky because we were friends. But that’s the thing; we weren’t. I don’t/didn’t need to have a ‘friend’ who thought it was okay to talk/treat me that way. I have enough people in my life that actually care about me and of who I would consider true friends to not need to take any more of her brand of friendship.
It all boils down to this. I had to change my text message tone on my cell phone because every time it beeped my stomach would drop and my heart would pound. I had been conditioned to expect a fight via text message every time I heard that noise. Her messages were so vitrolic, all of the time, that I had become accustomed to something that caused my body to react in a negative way. This small example is such a summary of my relationship with her; her toxicity was eventually too much to bear. So out she went.
Six weeks later I am so much happier. The constant complaining is gone. The pile of dishes is gone. The pile of personal items in our common space; gone. And it it’s place is a sweet, caring, considerate person whom I actually like and have respect for.
I never thought I’d have to write about my feelings on ‘standing up for myself’ – but here I am. The bully in the playground is gone and I’m the one who banished her forever.