There are times that I truly feel that I might be single for the entirety of this life on earth.  Then, there are other moments where I feel like I’m on the cusp of change.  That’s how I feel right now.  I went shopping this past weekend to get some summer clothes since I literally owned nothing that fit from last year’s season.  I bought a pair of shorts (which, incidentally I haven’t purchased in years) in a size smaller than I’ve been wearing recently.  Another size?! Couple it be possible/plausible/true?  That means I’m the same size that I was when I was 16 or 17 years old. 

Here’s the rub: I don’t really feel any smaller.  I know that I must be, I KNOW it.  I look at clothes in the size I was before all this started and couldn’t help but think, whoa, there’s some mighty big pants.  I wonder if I’ll always feel this way.  I wonder if I’ll always feel like ‘the fat girl’ inside.  There is definitely a voice inside that keeps saying that once I hit my goal weight that it will all come together….but I’m not sure it will.

I used to think that I didn’t get asked out on dates because of my size. Now I realize that it’s true what they’ve been saying all along; that it doesn’t matter what your size is, it’s all about who you are inside. And it’s not that I’m uninteresting on the inside or ‘undatable’, but I’m finding that it’s most likely what I’ve suspected all along…that I might be unapproachable or give off a vibe that says “don’t come near me”. 

I started going to the gym last week and I have to say, I actually felt good going.  I hadn’t dragged my butt to the gym because I said that I hated to sweat and made the excuse that it was so much more uncomfortable for a ‘fat person’ to work out than a ‘regular person’.  Turns out, I’m full of bullshit. It was fine; enjoyable actually.

I used to have a certain size in my head, and this number was my ‘goal’ number.  Since buying those shorts on Saturday, I’m only one size away from that goal.  I used to think that this number was all I could aspire to; now I realize that the actual frame of my body is smaller than that.  Quite possibly, three sizes smaller than that.  A single digit number was never something I even considered aspiring to.  Now?  My world is full of possiblities. 

I don’t know how to open myself up so that I become approachable or the type of girl guys feel comfortable approaching and asking out.  Maybe it’s a mantra, or maybe as I let go of  the old ‘fat’ me, the layers will peel away and reveal my true self: whomever she may be….because at this point I’m not sure who that is or who she is going to be. 

All I know is that my life continues to change, my body, my outlook, my mind; and I like it.  I’m embracing these changes and I don’t fear what challenges may arise from it.  Somewhere, sometime I’ll meet someone who will shift my life and my way of thinking again — and until then I hope to be happy within myself.

Advertisements