So, I know this about myself – I know that I get crushes really easily and tend to move on just as easily.  But there is a definite correlation between the length of the crush and the depth of the crush.  The longer I crush, the worse it gets.

My new crush and newly ended (?…) crush, Pacho.  Thursday was a big crush day.  One ending (?…) and a new one beginning.  I find out that my crush of two+ weeks has a girlfriend.  I’m bummed.  I’m actually surprised by my the degree of my bummage.  But for some reason I can’t let it go….I had a few meetings with him post “girlfriend news” and I find myself still drawn to him.  Actually, yesterday at the end of the day I went over to his cubicle just to see him, and this time I had no official work business to discuss which is a first.  Every other visit to his end of the office has actually had a reason, if it the REAL reason was just to see and interact with him.  This is notable because i DO NOT do things like this.  I went over there with this line in my head, “I was hoping I wouldn’t find you here.  Please tell me you won’t be here too late” ….and I found him printing tickets to Sex and The City…yes, DEFINITELY there’s a girlfriend in the picture.  Yesterday when was I was thinking about him when I should have been paying attention in the meeting, it occured to me that he was probably one of those guys that doesn’t really have any game and frankly, doesn’t think he can get the girl.  How wrong he is, at least in my eyes.

Then there’s the new crush.  This same night that I received the news of Pacho’s girlfriend, I spent a couple hours hanging out and talking to this new crush. Maybe it was the low lighting, maybe it was the alcohol, but all of the sudden I started looking at this guy in a different way.  This isn’t a solidified crush like Pacho is….was (?…) it’s in the deciding phase. 

Yesterday when I found myself flirting with him, it got me thinking about what it is other people see in me.  I’m friendly, nice, smiley – these things are immediately noticeable.  But I dont know if they think I’m interesting or intelligent.  For a smart girl I do some stupid things sometimes.  And I’ve found (unfortunately) that guys really don’t want to hear that I’ve been backpacking too, or I’ve done this or that.  They like to talk about how THEY’VE done those things, but when I counteract, it’s like, oh, right, okay – they become disinterested.  I don’t get it.  And I’ve also noticed that at times I’m going about my business, let’s say in the grocery store and someone is standing in the middle of the aisle, and I’ll wait for a second to notice that I’m trying to get by.  When they don’t immediately move I say, “excuse me”, they look at me, and move. 

Here’s what I’m starting to wonder.  I’m wondering if I have no ‘presence’ – am I just not noticeable??  There are those women who walk into a room and everyone is aware of their addition — I’m beginning to think that I’m not one of those girls.  Not that I couldn’t potentially be one of those girls, but that for the longest time I’ve hidden myself and just not embraced my “noticeable-ness”.  I have to tell you though, I have this strange confidence dicotomy.  As I continue to lose weight, I feel more confident about myself, but I also see and feel myself shrinking back – and I don’t know why.  But then again, the ‘old’ me would certainly not have gone to visit Pacho’s office area at 6:30 on a Friday night apropo of nothing.

I’ve been rambling, which happens quite often.  I don’t even remember what this post was originally going to be about, but I know it wasn’t about this.  So pardon my brain vomit.

Advertisements