it didn’t have to be this way


That’s all I keep thinking to myself.

It didn’t have to be this way. 

I could have made different choices, I could have been smarter, wiser, less rebellious.

But I can’t go back, and I can’t change what I’ve done.  I am what I am because of the choices I’ve made, but it didn’t have to be this way. 

They say hindsight is 20/20, and even though I can see clearly that I’ve hurt myself in the long run I don’t know that the younger me would have listened anyway.  I was head strong.  I was so sure it didn’t matter.  I was so positive that the price wouldn’t be this high.  But it is.  I am paying so dearly for the choices I’ve made.  Choices that were inconsequential at the time, but gradually built up until I’ve created my own mountain that I must climb.

And I’m afraid to scale this mountain.  Everything will be different on the other side, and I’m not sure that I’m ready.  But truthfully, I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.  I’m so bullish in most areas of my life – I make a concerted effort to step outside my comfort zone and experience things that push me to be better.  The most rewarding experiences of my short life have been those that I forced myself to do.

I don’t know why this is different.  But it is.  I’m remorseful.  I can’t even say that I have regrets – regret is a useless emotion that doesn’t get you anywhere.  I find myself mourning what could have been. What should have been.  How different everything could have been.

Those thoughts don’t matter, though.  What could have been, what should have been – are not.  I don’t know why this has to be my journey, but it is.

I’m hoping that I will be wiser in the future, if I can drum up the courage to climb this mountain.  Even that statement is cowardly.  I need to climb this mountain, and I will.  I have to.

It seems that the first step up it – is looking back on the valley I’ve come through and lamenting:

It didnt have to be this way.  But it is.