Floating vs Steering

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A wise older brother recently told me that he was concerned for me because he saw that I didn’t seem to be making choices in my life; rather letting the direction of my life make choices for me.  This is what I call the act of: “ninja-ing my brain”.  It was a light bulb moment. There is a family trait of complacency, one that up until now I thought I had been immune to.  I tend to be very proactive and decisive.  The stubborn streak in me wants what it wants and no one is going to tell me otherwise until I make up my mind on my own to do or change or move.  Once I make up my mind – I’m on it.  Proactive, moving forward, conquering all.

Mon frère was correct.  I wasn’t making choices, I was letting the direction of my life make the decisions for me.  I was floating down the river of life, going wherever the river was headed – not steering my life myself.  Ninja.

I guess you could say that this wasn’t the genesis of my decision to shake my life up.  I’d say that turning 30 was the beginning.  “I’m thirty. THIRTY. What am I doing with my life?? Where am I going? What am I doing?” I’ve been asking myself those questions since March.  In January I marked the four year anniversary of living in this city.  I”m pretty much doing the same things now that I did when I moved here at 25.  And I’m not sure that’s a good thing.

As much as watching Sex and the City can be entertaining, I do NOT want to be those women.  I don’t want to take the next four years of my life and be doing the same thing I’ve been doing for the last four.  That’s not living, that’s existing. And I’m done simply existing.  It’d be extremely easy for me to just stay here, just continue to live.  Same life. Same job. Same extracurricular activities. Sure it’s fun, but does it all mean and what’s the point?

And so, things must change.  There are things in my life that just aren’t working for me any more.  Elements and relationships that aren’t what’s healthiest or best for me.  And so, things must change.  I’m losing weight again after a year hiatus and while this next chapter is slightly scary for me, I’m excited for it.

I’m leaving behind the unhealthy elements of my life and looking forward to the promise of happiness that comes with embracing challenges.  Stepping out of my comfort zone has always proven to be a growing zone.  It’s been difficult, without a doubt – but my rewards have been more than worth it.

I’m formulating a plan that will change everything in my life drastically and this week I will know for sure what my next great adventure will be.

Let’s see what this week holds — heads or tails, I’m moving on.

If You Stare at the Sun Too Long

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Like waves crashing on the shore, my emotional strength was worn away, worn away, worn away.  And so I did something I never do.  I felt something I never feel.  I exhaled in a way I never allow myself.  I cried.

This truth is proving harder and harder to ignore.  I type, I talk, I live, I feel.  I never say.  A pillar of strength, self assured and confident; tonight I crumbled.  I don’t want to regret, I can’t say my life choices are mistakes.

Drastic changes require drastic measures.  I need to make that leap, but I’m not ready to jump.