Every once in a while I read a FB status update from someone in my previous life, and it sparks a memory of who I used to be, the life I used to live.  It makes me wonder if I’ve deviated from the path I should be on.  It makes me wonder if I’ve sacrificed parts of myself, essential parts, parts that gave me an innocence and wholesomeness.  I don’t mean to say that I wish I was a naïve little girl or ignorant of life and the world its wonders.  I mean to say that I think that I used to possess a quality(ies) that I’ve lost somewhere along the way.

I am/was so determined to experience more of life and see more of this world that it proved to be impossible not to be impacted it, and changed by it – and perhaps not all of it has been good.

I was thinking about how everyone’s perceptions of me seem to be that I’m quite a few years younger than I am.  While this appeals to my vanity in the fact that I’m virtually wrinkle free, deep down I don’t think this is a good thing.  It strikes a chord in me because it makes me wonder if I act younger than I am, and if I’m not where I should be at my age.

At first glance that comment may seem like I’m comparing myself to societal norms, but I don’t mean that at all.  What I mean is: am I living up to my potential of 30 years on this planet?

If I hadn’t moved to this city, would I be a different person?  Without a doubt.  And so, I wonder if these nearly five years of experiences have made me a better version of myself, or if they’ve made me more jaded, more prone to give up my beliefs, increasingly hardened to accepting love, more concerned with my appearance, more judgmental of others….  The answer is yes to all of those things.  It’s possible to feel completely alone in a city of eight million; I know this to be true because I’ve felt it.

I see the posts on facebook and they’re filled with simple happiness, giving thanks for the blessings in their lives, a true groundedness that I haven’t felt in a decade.   I don’t know if these reflections amount to change or, even much at all.  But I do know I’m searching.  I’m searching for something.  I’m searching for my place in this world.

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