Last week was an emotional clusterfuck.  First, my good friend moved to San Diego.  Then I had a good friend from Buffalo come and stay during the week; one I hadn’t seen in about a year and a half, then a three-day road trip with my roommate from graduate school.  I was a stressed out, psycho wreck.  I seriously was acting so psycho, I can’t believe my behavior.  It was not good.

In the midst of my psychosis, these two good friends served as a mirror to my life.  You know, those friends that you have, that know you so well and cause you to see the things you’re trying to hide from even yourself? Yeah. Those friends.

During the week my Buffalo friend served as a mirror on my motivations for living in New York and this life I’ve created for myself.  I talked about how difficult I was finding it to make roots and whether I even wanted to make roots in the first place.  I’ve always said that I didn’t want to stay in this city forever.  I feel like living in this city, that it’s all smoke and mirrors.  The old phrase, “if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere”, is completely empty.  Who am I proving this to? Yes, I guess I’ve “made it”.  But at what expense?  And to prove what to whom? So that I can say I have a haircut from Bumble and Bumble and a Marc Jacobs bag?  Like the line from MacBeth goes,

“Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day-to-day to the last syllable of recorded time, and all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death.  Out, out, brief candle!  Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more.  It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing”.

What does my life signify and mean if all I do with it is shop, socialize, drink, laugh, sleep and then do it all over again?  Sure, those things are fun, and I’m not saying I shouldn’t do them. But if that’s ALL I do…..and I don’t forge relationships, true relationships with people along the way….then isn’t it meaningless and hollow?

Then, I embarked upon a three-day, 600 mile road trip with grad school roommie.   Her mirror? About how I present myself to the opposite sex.  That I compartmentalize myself for them.  I zero in on what they need me to be, and I become that version of myself.  Always staying true to who I am, but playing up that aspect of myself that I think they need.  I fulfill that need for them, and when that need is filled, they move on and leave me behind.  Bulls eye.

This is getting heavy….let’s switch to the fun stuff!! It was a great trip.  We left Friday morning and drove to Salem, MA to 1) take this off my bucket list (yay!) and 2) learn some American history.

town park in Salem

town park in Salem

town park in Salem

town park in Salem

Next stop: Portsmouth, NH.  Portsmouth was a lovely little town with a farmers market I couldn’t get enough of!  Brussel sprouts, shalots, potatoes, carrots, apples, gourds of every size and shape. We ended up at Super Wal-Mart so I could buy something warmer to wear (I always seem to pack incorrectly).  I couldn’t help but exclaim and observe that the day before I had been in the Village. Shopping at Marc Jacobs.  And that day I was in a Super Wal-Mart.  In New Hampshire.  I ❤ America.

It was a rainy day, so we looked at the hand drawn map I’d been given by the Inn keeper (yes, hand drawn) and thought we’d head up to Maine.  I’d never been to Maine….bucket list!!  We drove to Maine and found an amazing little restaurant that had been decorated perfectly.  The walls were a pale, pale blue and all the molding white.  Natural wood table tops rounded out the scene.  The color scheme to the inside faded into the background so that what you noticed was the amazing scene outside the windows.  This restaurant was situated on an inlet of York Harbor and even in the rain it was beautiful.

Bucket List!

Bucket List!

Lobster! In Maine!

Lobster! In Maine!

Next stop was Dover, NH.  A tiny, sleepy little town with a river running through it.  We arrived at our hotel and were informed that they had “upgraded” us to an “executive suite”.  I had this song in my head for the rest of the trip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Bnr_5DuFpU

Yeaaaah.  It was spacious, but MAN did they spare every expense!  This was literally the most bare bones suite I’d ever been to.  The redeeming point?  The breakfast nook had a waffle maker.  If you know me at all, you can imagine my giddiness.  The town was beautiful though!

Dover, NH

Dover, NH

Dover, NH

Dover, NH

Dover, NH

Dover, NH

Dover, NH

Dover, NH

Dover, NH

Dover, NH

Final city on our trip? Concord, NH.  The only problem with that was……..there is nothing to see or do in Concord, NH.  We drove riiiiight ooooon through.  What to do instead? Let’s go to Concord, MA!!  And so we did.

We both wanted to see Walden Pond and I guess in keeping with the self-reflective vein of the trip, get a little Henry David Thoreau-ish on myself.

Walden Pond

Walden Pond

Walden Pond is beautiful.  I understand why upwards of 20,000 people per day visit this place in the summertime.  The thing is?  I have my very own Walden Pond in Canada.  And I know I’m biased, but mine is better.

We left Concord and Walden Pond, our lives were calling us home.  It was a crazy week for me.  One friend leaving, one friend coming back like the Prodigal Son.  Mirrors and truths to face on my life and my weaknesses.  The real point to ponder is: now that I know….what am I going to do about it?

Home to NYC

Home to NYC

Advertisements