So, I actually said it.  Said what I actually wanted.  I guess it was only a matter of time and an eventuality — but I’ve never been good at these things.  Cowardly, almost.  I hesitate because once it’s said, I have to come down from my ivory tower where I imagine how things could be and discover/feel how they actually are.  I know that I arrived at the speaking place with the help of some liquid courage and that it probably seemed that way, but in all reality — I wasn’t actually drunk; I’d stopped drinking three hours before.

I’m trying to imagine/envision/minds eye view what the fall out will be — but every time that starts, I stop myself.  I hate that I thinkthinkthinkthink….. which is one of the reasons that it takes so long for me to saysaysaysay what I want.

text, reply, text, reply, text, smile, reply, lull, text, wait, reply, smile, sleep

*********

Even this feels a little too open, which for me is surprising, but I won’t censor myself.

*********

text, reply, walk, hide for fear of condemnation, text, reply, stairs, text, door, reply, couch, lay back, text, dancing trees, reply, bare legs, text, matching beauty marks on my thighs, reply, smile, lie for fear of condemnation,  text, hand behind my head, reply, breeze caresses my face, eyes close, text, lie again….ff, text about another girl, confusion, reply nonchalantly, been reminded of my place in the friend zone, text, no reply.

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