It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way, and because of that, I’m suprised by this.  I know I do this, I jump head first, I latch on, I get carried away.  Like a tide that comes in too fast and carries it’s victims away….I find I’m that way with men.

I’m not saying what I feel is weighty or life important but there’s something brewing here that I can’t seem to put from my mind for a long period of time. 

I’m always suprised when something that’s been in front of me for awhile all of the sudden changes hue and takes on a different tone. 

I’m not even sure I should be typing these words, as if it becomes solid, in black and white, I might jinx it somehow – or it will become fleeting, fliting, float away – away from my grasp, as if it was never mine to begin with.  Perhaps the song invading my mood at the moment, Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy isn’t helping.

I’m not sure I should want what I want.  Differences and potential problems abound.  Geographically, chronologically, familial-ly…but honestly none of that phases me or causes me pause.

But I do want what I want – and I honestly don’t think that pretending that I don’t want it helps in anyway.  Even in light of this, I can’t say anything.  The differences don’t bother me, but on the flip side of that coin, I don’t want to rock any boats or cause any problems if there’s nothing there to open to the possibility of.  And that’s the rub – how do you find out if there is potential, without rocking any boats?  So, I’m balancing on a line – a line of made up of desire, attraction, obligation, safety.

I guess, ultimately, I’m going to have to make a decision.  I can continue to stand here on the shore, dipping my toes in, or I can wade in, swim out and see how strong this current is – see how far this tide will take me.

Advertisements