I’ve somehow arrived at a place where I know I must act.  I know how I got here too, and it’s been a long, long time coming.  I’ve bandied around with the concept of being more than friends with Him since the DAY that I met Him in March 1999.  Yes, 1999.  I’ve always said that He’s the perfect paper boyfriend – He’s smart, funny, gets me, cute, we have a good time, He’d be a good partner, a good father….on paper He was perfect.  But there was something holding me back.  I guess I never felt the za za zu, as Carrie says.  And the younger me was looking for some earth shattering revelation.

Instead, I wasted my time, effort and emotions on boys who were unworthy.  I’m telling myself that the timing was never right for us.  That I had to live through those experiences before I could realize that He is everything I’m looking for.

Oh my god, I didn’t realize that until I just wrote it.  Oh god.  This is bigger than I thought.

I think a part of me was looking for perfection.  Someone who had EXACTLY everything I was looking for, in the ways I was looking for it.  I now realize that just as I am not perfect, neither will be the one I choose.  And because I was looking for perfection, I’ve dismissed guys based on things that in the light of this new revelation, don’t matter.

After college He moved back home, and I stayed in Buffalo.  Then He moved south and I moved to Belfast.  We were never in the same place at the same time.  But now I live in NYC and He’s moved back to the place He grew up and we’re back to being in the same time zone and state. 

I’m not sure that the feelings I had for Him ever went away, in fact, I know they didn’t.  They simply laid dormant.  These past few months the feelings have grown, and after my Ireland experience, they’re front and center and I cannot ignore them anything longer [it’s been 8 years, I know, sometimes it takes me awhile].

Now that I know what I have to do, I feel like all the words I’ve ever spoken in my life have been white noise.  Nothing has ever been more important or held more weight than what I have to say to Him.  I know that I overanalyze everything; I’m a thinker, a planner.  But this can’t be thought through, this is action based and I’m in unfamiliar ground.

As a child my father told me, feet first, first time — never dive into the lake, first test the waters with your feet.  I’ve always lived my life that way.

All I know boils down to this — I’ve lived my life and taken many chances, but nothing I have ever done has held the weight of importance than this does.  So I’m going to eliminate the white noise and welcome the calm clarity of an open heart. This time I’m jumping headfirst.

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